


when you never see the light, it's hard to know which one of us is caving;

by cigarettekisses



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2013-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-04 04:35:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/706613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cigarettekisses/pseuds/cigarettekisses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>this was supposed to be a canon-ish, angst!fic that became a little (read: a lot) out of hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	when you never see the light, it's hard to know which one of us is caving;

louis and harry have always been louisandharry.

 

until louis finds himself pressed on the cold wooden headboard and the airconditioning blasting inside the room, fisting empty sheets that were supposed to be shared by him and harry.

it was supposed to be theirs. just like it has always been. it’s automatic wasn’t it? that when they come to a new place the hotel room is theirs to be shared, the bed is theirs to be shared, the sheets, the creaking headboard, the slaps of skin on skin, the lingering taste of sweat and spit and cum. it was all theirs to be shared. so why is he the only one sitting on the bed now? and why is he fully clothed with a bottle of wine in hand, shifting from channel to channel and clicking the remote like a maniac like he’s going to burst from anger and annoyance and uncertainty and  _fucking hell where is he?_

he must look pathetic, of course he knows that. and there’s a knocking on the door that he knows doesn’t belong to harry. it must be liam or maybe it’s niall, zayn wouldn’t come there. he knows that. because no matter how caring and loving he is, he doesn’t like dwelling on things. and liam and niall are nosy gits who are always too caring, too loving and too fucking annoyingly sweet. he doesn’t need any of that right now so he doesn’t open the fucking door. the noise fades after a while and he doesn’t know if he’s going to feel relieved or abandoned. why do people give up so easily?

he never realized how big hotel rooms can be, not when he was never left alone in it anyways. he decides he’s going to bunk with zayn, so he gets off his ass and drags his espadrilles to the next room.

he cradles the bottle of wine in one hand and knocks twice.

when zayn opens the door he doesn’t ask anything, he doesn’t pretend to be happy either, like liam or niall would have done. because they like pretending to not know anything until it’s dropped on them like a fucking grenade. he’s thinking of world war right now but that’s irrelevant. zayn doesn’t do pretend cheery. he doesn’t try to play god and fix things either. he just sits everything out and offers company until you want to tell him what has brought you to his room in a god forsaken hour.

zayn lights up a cigarette and he’d ask him to throw it out if only he’s the one who needs him right now. zayn is quiet, always has been, quiet and knowing.

he thinks his eyes is going to burst into flames soon because they’re teary and sad and he blames it on the smoke that’s filling the entire room.

he offers zayn a swig and he just smiles and shakes his head. he says something about nicking food from niall’s room and he’s gone.

when he comes back louis is already napping on the bed, nursing the now empty bottle of wine.

zayn eats the packet of crisps in silence and he doesn’t wake louis. when louis talks in his sleep, lying about an offer to get off the bed and get to his own room he chuckles and mutters, “oh i’d love to see you try lou.”

of course louis has no plan on getting off the bed that is too comfortable and too warm. it smells heavily of smoke but he’d rather burn in flames in case zayn forgets to put out one of his cigarettes than freeze to death in that too empty bedroom. besides, he did forget to change the temperature before leaving.

he wakes up in the morning with the blinds closed and he makes a mental note of thanking zayn for his avoidance to sunlight. he cracks a pathetic joke to himself about zayn being a broody vampire then he retreats to crouch on the bedroom floor to find his missing shoe.  _man i used to be funny._

he finds zayn sleeping on the couch at the side of the hotel room, “zaynieeeee, wake uuuuuuup”

zayn swats him with a throw pillow, burying himself even more to the cushions. he murmurs something that sounds vaguely like “fuck off lou” and louis takes that as his cue to leave. he clearly has overstayed his welcome and he likes thinking he still has some dignity.

he scribbles a thank you note before leaving and he walks along the halls thinking which of the two arseholes of a bandmate he should annoy next.

he knocks on liam’s bedroom but he heard a noise that may or may not sound like a bed creaking and someone moaning and there’s a sloshing sound and  _fuck fuck fuck fuck_  and he takes it as an announcement of “DANIELLE CAME TO VISIT”.

he’s still thinking of a joke to crack when he meets them later for breakfast or lunch or whatever when he bumps into niall.

usually, niall is the only one cheery in the morning, all of them are bitchy when they have an early morning. liam only pretends that he’s fine but he doesn’t speak until he’s got enough coffee in his system and that should say a lot.

right now, niall’s face looks like he’s going to murder someone and his glare could kill anyone.

 “nialler,” he manages to mutter and that seems to snap niall out of his killer glare spree.

 “oh. hi. yeah. hi lou” he smiles and pushes a plastic  bag, all jittery and antsy.

 “if this is your way of saying you’ve become a drug dealer, i’ll say you need more confidence,” he jokes because that’s the only thing he knows how to do. he’s having a dry spell but humor is always good.

 “fuck off lou,” niall says but he’s laughing like a loon anyways, clutching his stomach like he’s either got diarrhoea or he’s just heard the most amazing thing on earth.

_it’s not even that funny, niall_  he wants to say but he bites it back down because appreciation is appreciation.

 “what’s gotten you in such a bad mood then?” he says while munching through the contents of niall’s plastic bag which turned out to be a batch of hash browns. they’re now inside louis’ – and harry’s – room.

 “they’re fucking.”

 “who?” he says cheekily because he’s bored and he needs to annoy someone.

 “the queen of england and pikachu, i don’t know how they managed to do it but they did it anyways … fuck lou who do you think am i talking about?”

 “well what’s wrong with that? liam and danielle haven’t seen each other for a while, if they don’t get at it like rabbits i’d say something’s wrong with the two of them. three stars for the humor by the way, i appreciate creativity at its finest.”

 “oh darling you wouldn’t be saying that when you  _saw_ them with your own two fucking eyes. liam and i  _share_ a room lou. remember? and i woke up to a sound of someone moaning so obviously i thought liam was just having a wank and i was about to make a joke when i opened my eyes and saw danielle fucking riding him. i was about to crawl my way out when danielle spotted me and asked me to join. i think i’m scarred for life.” niall mimes scratching his eyes out with the piece of hash brown hanging between his lips.

 “cheeky girl, dani is.” louis reaches for the handle of the cabinet beneath the lampshade. he tosses niall a can of beer. somewhere in his head he thinks he can hear harry saying “really lou? too early don’t you think?” with a chuckle so he shakes his head again.

niall doesn’t say anything though, he just chugs it all down like the irish he is. sometimes louis thinks niall drinks with the flag of Ireland behind him. like he represents the entire country whenever he’s got alcohol in hand and he doesn’t want to let his people down.

they flick through channels and laugh through shows until it’s lunch and he receives a text from zayn.  _meet us in front of the hotel. liam’s paying. x_

he tosses his phone to niall and they share a knowing look and niall says, “liam’s in a  _good_  mood.” they laugh like it’s the best thing on earth and louis pretends he doesn’t hear harry’s dirty laugh over niall’s good hearted chuckle.

they meet up and he wants to pull danielle’s and liam’s intestines and tie it around their necks and choke them because  _fuck_ they look so fucking in love and too cheesy and louis swears he can see pink heart bubbles floating around them.

 “ _i hate my life_ ” he whispers to himself but zayn hears and gives him that shit eating grin and he’s never seen someone so happy to eat lunch.

 “don’t say that mate. others have it worse.” he watches as zayn’s smile falls into a frown and he follows his gaze and he sees him watching danielle and liam.  _yeah … others do have it worse._

they find a restaurant that looks dingy and quite off, what with its dim lighting and brick walls, but it turns out to have the warmest people. it’s not packed inside and they get seated at once. the waitress talks to them like they’re not famous and “jesus fucking christ, she’s fit” niall whispers to louis’ ear once she disappears in the kitchen. the chef serves them the food himself and louis ignores the chipped black nail polish he sees on his fingernails. chef’s can be hipsters too. multi-tasker he thinks to himself.

caroline – the waitress – excuses herself when her replacement comes and nick – the chef – calls out to her for slacking but louis doubts it’s anything else than banter.

 “i’ve come to save you from your distress, dearest damsel,” caroline’s replacement chimes as she whips an apron from the counter and ties it around her waist.

 “oh fuck off lou, you know that cazza’s no damsel and the only distress she knows is when her head is getting banged on the headboard too often for comfort,” nick shouts from the kitchen. this is one unusual restaurant run by unusual people.

the replacement comes by – lou, louis thinks her name is – and greets them with a smile. he wonders if they’re always like this and that’s the reason why they barely have any customers even though they serve amazing food.

 “hi! my name’s lou , and nick’s a cunt who needs to get laid,” she says casually and that earns a laugh from danielle and niall, a snort from zayn and louis thinks liam is choking on his spit.

 “your hair looks like cotton candy” is the only thing that he manages to say.

 “oh but sadly it doesn’t taste quite like that and my baby still hasn’t learned that. lux has tried to eat my hair off.” she says with a mock sigh.

danielle exchanges numbers with all three of the crew and niall charms his way to getting caroline’s number. he wonders if it’ll work out between the two though. he hopes it does because niall needs it and he’s too nosy when he doesn’t have his own romance to worry about.

they say goodbye and nick offers them strawberry cheesecake to take back to the hotel and louis knows this won’t be the last meeting between them. the crew just has to be a regular part of their life in the future because this is getting ridiculous.

dinner comes soon and they decide they don’t want to go out. they all go to louis and harry’s room – louis refuses to call it his room even though he hasn’t seen harry since last night – and they all look pathetic but it doesn’t matter. liam is all pouty because danielle’s leaving again and she doesn’t want him to come and drive her to the airport because liam gets sappy and it gets harder to let go. zayn just lets liam rest his head on his shoulders and snap at him every now and then for smelling like smoke and how he should shower but zayn doesn’t say anything, he just cards his fingers through liam’s hair that’s starting to grow out. he wants to be sad for zayn’s starstruck slash broken-hearted gaze so he looks away. niall’s manically tapping on his phone and he’s likely to be texting caroline from the restaurant. louis sighs. he misses harry.

the rest falls asleep watching a rerun of 8 simple rules while he remains awake, scrolling through his twitter feed in silence, refusing to admit to himself that he’s waiting for a tall, lanky shadow to enter the room and sleep beside him. he realizes that the bed is already crowded, considering that the bed is made for two and there’s already four bodies cramped in there, but it’s worth it anyways. he can pretend that he doesn’t feel alone, even with the rest of the boys with him. he thinks maybe they’re actually here to distract them, liam must have devised it, like he always does.

he laughs at the sight of his three idiots and then comes his fourth.  _the_ idiot.

harry presses a kiss on his forehead and he reaches for his neck, closing his eyes.

he pulls away from louis and he kneels on the bedroom floor. his curls are wild and his hair falls on his face – he’s in love with manchild with too much hair and too much feelings and too much charm, louis thinks – , he’s crying louis realizes. he can barely see harry biting his lips to muffle his sob. he reaches to wipe harry’s tears and the green-eyed boy leans into his touch. he feels his wide lips, mixed with tears and spit, mouthing “i’m sorry” over and over on the exposed skin. louis lets him, even though there’s need for him to. louis can’t be angry at him for too long, he’s not even sure he can get mad at him even. louis lets him because he knows harry wouldn’t be able to sleep peacefully tonight if he doesn’t. and louis knows his too big of a heart will be tinged with guilt and he will wake up in the middle of the night with chest pains. and louis can’t watch his manchild be hurt with guilt over something louis doesn’t mind at all. so he lets harry apologize.

he encourages harry to toe off his shoes and harry obliges wordlessly. however, when louis tells him to change his clothes, he just groans and shakes his unruly curls. he glares like a little child that’s been told off to go to bed when he thought he can sneak past his bed time. louis loves it though, so he pulls harry next to him, and he fits right next to him. they are five in the bed but louis thinks that there’s only four. because harry and him can be counted as one, what with the two bodies that meld together and fit like a glove, functioning as one whole person.

when harry hugs him and they’re face to face, louis thinks he should think he’ll suffocate but he doesn’t. he just presses his lips on harry’s and he slots their legs together. he pulls away and fondly pokes harry’s cheek until his dimple pops. louis thinks harry might just be humouring him, and he loves him for it so he says so. harry replies, his voice thick and honey-like without opening his eyes.

loving too much can be overwhelming.  
loving harry gets too overwhelming.  
they fight over nonsense.   
they scream words that bite and they don’t mean.   
sometimes they need a breather.   
that doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.


End file.
